The beautiful thing about love
is giving it away, selflessly.
You give away part of yourself;
without having the certainty
it will spring up at some point
and bloom unexpectedly;
your soul does not count it as loss;
but is watered with hope
that the seed you selflessly gave away,
will eventually bring up fruit
at some given time in life,
and bless the receiver of your gift;
and the seed you planted
will somehow come back
in unexpected times and ways.
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The hardest thing about grief
is that it comes unannounced and never leaves.
It doesn’t even introduce itself
as being a surgeon of some sort;
but bursts into your life,
unnecessarily cuts open your heart
and forgets to sew it back together;
out of a sudden you see
you are being cut off from your dreams,
from the way life was supposed to be.
In the blink of an eye
the whole universe passes by.
There’s no more reasons left to believe
that the love you gave away,
will have a come back someday,
or bring any sort of fruit in this life.
And you find yourself wonder:
did I planted enough,
did I give away myself enough,
did I do my best, was I enough
to make that someone know
how much more love
they should have been showered with,
how much more deserving were they
of a Christ centred, unconditional,
everlasting love and appreciation?
Just when you thought
you reached the bottom of
what deepest pain could feel like,
another wonder shows up
in the window of your already numbed heart;
and you can’t help but ask yourself
if you have let them down
just by not loving enough,
not giving enough, not cherishing enough
not covering them enough
in that embrace of acceptance of no matter what;
the same embrace you’ve been covered with
by Christ.
And just like that
a river of question marks
can take you to a level of grief and pain
that you have never known exists
and which you can’t even feel yet
because your heart is still numb.
And while you body lays down,
your mind sleeps wide awake
trying to face the never-ending ache
of all the chances you lost
to do your best, to be the best, to love the best,
to give your best and even more if possible;
no sheep to count for this wounded heart tonight.
But plenty of “whats”, and “ifs”,
and “maybes” and“perhapses”.
……………………………………..
and when I lose count
and give up on trying
to organise the question marks in my mind
I remember that despite of me failing to love,
to give, to be, and to do enough,
He keeps count of all the hairs on my head tonight.
Therefor He also keeps track of my every question mark.
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#139weeks #139weekscloser #Maranatha #ComeSoonerDearLord
unfolding dream 